He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
FUCK WHALES
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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