32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
