My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
