Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
