Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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