The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
