My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
