We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
