i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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