What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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