is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
