if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
