Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
