I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
