You smell like stripper and shame
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
