I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
