i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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