gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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