We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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