New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
