She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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