apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
