I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
