I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
