If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
