I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
