Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
