I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
