how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
