Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
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