the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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