I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
