your room smells of hookers.
And success
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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