I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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