with your own penis?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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