just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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