you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
