moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
