You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
