can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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