i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
