The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
