We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
