life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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