can u get pink eye on your cock?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
