I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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