I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
