I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
