that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
