At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
