actually, I'm a sock model
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
