Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
