i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
